The Introspection Affair
by Darkwood Princess
Summary: A series of U.N.C.L.E. related poems, exploring characterization and concepts. Most of them will rhyme. :)
1. Illya

AN: New idea, born from quite a bit of boredom! Here is the first of a series of poems (hopefully), of various lengths and on various subjects, which are currently content to be character driven.

 _Illya_

Eyes of blue and hair of gold,

A soul that's calm but never cold,

Dreams of home, spun into glass

Fragile and malleable and full of class

Gymnast, comrade, and explosions my friend

Beware of the one named Kuryakin.


	2. Napoleon

AN: You can't have one without the other, right?

 _Napoleon_

"Partner Mine" and "Tovarishch"

Suits and smiles and every girl's wish

Loyalty loud and a heart so bold

Righteous anger a sight to behold

When they see him, all think again

Beware the nice ones, ah Napoleon.


	3. Expense Reports

AN: So I'm not entirely sure if it's fanon or canon, the running joke about expense reports at UNCLE, but this poem jumped into my head, and I couldn't let it go. Also, if Mr. Waverly seems like he's a little harsh here, it's because he needs to present the right impression about reckless spending, ya know?

 _Expense Report_

How do I explain this one?

Yes we needed that.

I know it is unusual,

But it's truth, a matter of fact.

What about the fancy hotel?

Well sir there was a storm.

We could have frozen out there,

But we chose to stay warm.

As for the lady's perfume,

Our "guest" required it.

And surely her information,

Is worth a little bit?

Oh and the new suit,

Well the old one is in shreds.

I'm afraid THRUSH didn't care for it

With their sartorially challenged heads.

And I had to blend in afterwards.

You know how it is?

OH, uh, you don't?

Well, I think I can return this.

You're worried about the new plastics?

The ones that blew the satrap flat?

I'm afraid I can't help you there,

You need Agent Kuryakin to discuss _that_.

That's all sir?

We'll try harder next time.

I know the expenses seem like much,

But we needed every dime.

 _And after Agent Solo_

 _Has vacated the scene_

 _Old Waverly smiles_

 _Never as harsh as he did seem._

 _His agents returned safely_

 _And retrieved the intel to boot._

 _It was well worth some explosives_

 _(He'd even let Napoleon keep the suit)._


	4. THRUSH

AN: In light of the nightmare exam I have tomorrow, I give you an acrostic for the nightmare organization!

 _ **THRUSH**_

 **T** rust no one, save money alone.

 **H** umility to superiors, soften your tone.

 **R** emember to fight for the hierarchy's whim.

 **U** NCLE must never be allowed to win.

 **S** o keep quiet, obedience is a must.

 **H** ush.


	5. Headquarters is Not Haunted

AN: Here is a Halloween poem with a twist! I know, I know, Halloween is several weeks away. What can I say, I enjoy the season.

 _ **Not Haunted**_

Headquarters is not haunted,

The agents claim by day,

When fears are targeted elsewhere

(The sun chases them away).

But then the seasons spin,

Dizzy in their speed.

Sanity and Spectres fly,

Before October's creed.

All Hallow's Eve approaches,

With leaf fall and strong chill,

Distant blue skies work magic,

And raise the hairs that thrill.

For cheery pumpkins and candles,

Cannot mask what's true.

And ghost's aren't merely stories,

(The agents know it's true).

April welcomes it grandly,

The season of costumed fun,

She sees in children's antics,

The way the world should run.

Mark is a bit more cautious.

Prepared for the vandal's prick,

Of well slit tires and an egged house,

For every treat a trick.

And oh suave Napoleon,

He enjoys it all with good taste.

To ignore the season's many perks,

Would be a horrid waste.

And that leaves us poor Illya,

Working late and alone.

Unwilling to leave papers unfinished,

Before he heads on home.

Yet Illya does not mind them,

The ghosts of agents gone.

They've earned their right to wander,

When all is said and done.

So a creak and rattle don't faze him.

Phantom footsteps bring no fear.

Respect is all that's given,

To those who chose to stay here.

The agents say headquarters isn't haunted.

But may I remind you - it's true.

Headquarters is guarded,

Because that's what angel's do.

AN: Weren't expecting the ghosts to be the good guys, were you? XD


	6. A Pair of Perspectives On the Office Cat

AN: While attempting to focus through a lecture, I found myself thinking of "The Bow Wow Affair" and ended up writing haiku. Here goes!

 _Napoleon's Perspective on the Office Cat_

Cannot feed the cat.

He hurt my knee that furball!

Ungrateful Feline.

 _Illya's Perspective on the Office Cat_

Oh Napoleon,

You are clearly a dog man.

Leave the cat alone.

AN: On a completely unrelated note, I got accepted to Med School!


	7. UNCLE

AN: Hey everyone! Hope you're all well and healthy.

 **U** is for unwavering, determination on high.

 **N** is for noble, of souls and of mind.

 **C** is for capable, down to the last.

 **L** is for lucky, top of the class.

 **E** is for excellent, but most of all…

UNCLE is a Guardian,

Always on call.


	8. Mr Waverly

AN: Fun Fact! I have a fish named Mr. Waverly. He's a beautiful red beta and I probably have strange taste in pet names.

 _Mr. Waverly – A Celebration of Character_

Sentimentality has no place,

On the stage of the world's never ending play.

A firm hand is required at the helm,

To guide the ship on its intrepid way.

You made the tough decisions all the time,

In this international game of chess.

You carried the weight of Atlas then,

Every single joy and piling stress.

And yet you did it with an ease,

A grace, though gruff, a stately stare,

And age had not dimmed the intellect,

That eyed the strings of the world, aware.

To men of bygone days we toast,

In these few lines, though the time does flee,

You were a hero, a leader of a silent host,

We remember you now as ever, Mr. Waverly.


	9. Thrush PSA

AN: I just like to imagine that there is some number cruncher in a THRUSH Satrap (Satrapy?) somewhere who has noticed that things are infinitely worse if you kidnap only one of our intrepid duo.

 _Thrush PSA_

This is a note to all personnel,

If you want to avoid Solo-Kuryakin hell,

Don't take one and not the other,

You're in for it then my feathered brother.

If you take Solo, a grave you groom,

I hope you're fond of things that go boom.

Take Kuryakin and there may be no bomb

Just mayhem and destruction with cool aplomb.

A pithy one liner will be your epitaph,

If you incur either agent's wrath.

So please, if you must capture UNCLE's best,

Take them both and give our HQ's a rest.

For together they may wreck things a bit,

But it's not as catastrophic, an atomic hit.

(Funding is low, lets save some money gents)

A THRUSH PSA.


	10. Ground Rules

AN: Had this idea floating around while I tried to study today. The studying has been fruitless, but the poetry? Well here goes! Set sometime in the future of the organization, given the slang used and the diction of my own speech.

 _ **Ground Rules**_

This is a note to all who are new –

UNCLE is international

And so are most of you!

So if word gets round to the office here,

That you're tormenting each other,

\- Spreading misogyny and fear –

Then the punishment will be arduous and terribly swift,

How do you feel about skinny dipping in Antarctica

Vacationing gearless in the Great Rift?

This has been a warning and a message true

Keep on keeping on people,

There's world saving to do!


End file.
